mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize