I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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