If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
