I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
