Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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