Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
