Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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