Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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