I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
