shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
