Pants 0. Shit 1.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Drake has all the answers
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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