im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
