Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
