I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize