Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
