so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
