There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He passed out mid-signature
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
