according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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