Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize