What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
