So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
