You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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