i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
