I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
where am i from again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
