Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
