you lied. pity sex is amazing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
