You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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