I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize