I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We had to coat check the pizza.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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