I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
