Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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