If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
