there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
