dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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