I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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