My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
