I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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