I'm so fucking centered right now
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
