Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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