Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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