There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
