Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
