mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Randomize
