I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
