We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize