I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize