I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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