I got chris browned last night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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