Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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