Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize