She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
