Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will pee on everything he values.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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