im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
