My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
