Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
