it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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