I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
