need another drink. this is the easiest way
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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