oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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