i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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