i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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