Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
