Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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