I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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