How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
