he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
