I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
