I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
