It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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