I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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