I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
