oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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