why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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