Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize