Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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