I think I won the penis lottery.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
