Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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